50 Classic Horror Films You SHOULDN'T Watch: DON'T WATCH Child's Play

One of my earliest recollections of being truly scared comes from when I was 4 years old. I used to have this teddy bear that came equipped with a little button on it's paw that when pressed would record a few seconds of audio and then play it back when you let the button go. I used to carry that bear around everywhere. It was like having my own personal Bobby Byrd around to repeat/co-sign everything that I said. The one thing that the manufacturers didn't mention was that when the bear started to run out of batteries, the voice dropped 3 octaves in pitch and would talk at random points during the day. Imagine my surprise as one night as I lay asleep on my Sesame Street alphabet sheets, the bear that I thought was my right hand man all of a sudden started talking in a low demonic voice! After a little self coaxing, I sprang from my bed, grabbed my ex-friend by the ear and threw him outside my room closing the door behind me. Ever since then I've joined the club of people who have an aversion to talking toys.

Talking dolls have long been a secret fear of many adults. Ever since Talky Tina threatened to kill her young owner's father in the 1963 The Twilight Zone episode "Living Doll" parents all over the country have been looking at their children's dolls a little sideways. Somehow they all got the feeling that there might be something else unseen behind those lifeless blank eyes and that pasted on permanent smile. That feeling of dread was made even more real after the release of 1988's Child's Play where in which we were introduced to Chucky, a My Buddy-like doll that contained the spirit of homicidal killer Charles Lee Ray. Audiences were shocked to their core and the film spawned 5 sequels and made "Chucky" a household word. So why have I decided to unseat the king of the creepy dolls this year? Well for two reasons: 1.) Because there is one more lesser known heir to the throne that has gone relatively unseen since it's debut and 2.) We have a new challenger to recognize making her debut today!!

ANNABELLE. The Conjuring set the horror movie world on fire last year. It set box office records and thrilled millions of people with it's creepy vibe and ghostly story. I however was not impressed. Despite it's 85% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes, I found the movie to be weakly derived popular tripe that combined the best parts of The Ring, Poultergeist, Child's Play, The Exorcist and any number of creepy kid movies into a stew of laze and unoriginality. If anything, it should have been called The Concoction for all the movies it butchered and stole from to make it's scares seem legit. To me, watching it was like eating a bowl of whipped cream and sprinkles and chocolate sauce mascaraing as a banana split. The only part of it that was worth the $10 I payed for admission was the bit about Annabelle, the demon possessed doll featured at the beginning of the movie. Well, apparently my interests in strawberry blonde ceramic were apparently not unshared. This month we're going to be treated to a new movie specifically about Annabelle and her origins. Will It be good? Who knows? Maybe it'll be epic? Or perhaps the cacophony of film producers shouting their production notes at the director have made yet another massive pile of eye-rollingly predictable modern horror movie crap with creepy children and long haired brunettes in dirty white nighties. If the trailers has anything to say about it, we may be in for the latter but from where I'm sitting, I say it deserves a try.

MAGIC. Magic is perhaps ironically the redheaded stepchild of killer doll movies. Directed by Richard Attenborough, the film spins an unsettling yarn about a young magician named Corky, played by the great Anthony Hopkins, who finds himself unable to crack the ceiling of success in the entertainment industry. Things start to turn around for him when he adds a ventriloquist's dummy he calls Fats to his act and together the pair find themselves on the fast track to success. However, as the stresses of stardom begin to set in, Fats becomes more of a part of Corky's personality than Corky is prepared for. Let me answer the two biggest questions you have right now. First off, yes it is pretty damn scary. The whole time you're watching the movie you're wondering, is Corky just THAT crazy or is this doll really alive? The second question you may be asking is probably something along the lines of "why haven't I heard of this movie before?" Well, the reason is because the rights to it's distribution have been stuck in legal limbo for the past 35 years making it impossible to release on VHS, DVD or any other digital form. That doesn't mean it's impossible to find online, on the contrary, I was able to punch it up on YouTube with ease. If you're looking to stay home and be truly freaked out this year, check out Magic.